This evening, I experienced a heightened sense of awareness. It wasn't a blissful yoga state or a transcendent experience as I sat gazing at the sunset. Tonight, I was highly aware of my body aging, even through the haze and mush that was my brain.
The thing about motherhood is that it's exciting, beautiful, eye opening and full of the greatest love you'll ever know. It will also make you age before your very eyes.
Today was filled with the usual Sunday stuff, leftover cookies for breakfast, coloring, runny noses, playing with cars, snack, play-doh mess fest, lunch, children launching themselves off the couch, runny noses, piano tinkering, more snacks, a brisk and chilly walk outside, runny noses, dinner, bedtime routine, and then, sweet mother of pearl, the babes were asleep.
It didn't help that my little girl is fighting a virus, so she was extra clingy today. What slowly ate away at my brain was wimpering and crying from my 1 1/2 yr old, almost all day, and constant chatter from my 4 1/2 yr old all day. He's now in this phase of rapidly repeating any request or bit of information and it usually begins with, "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy." *insert stressed face emoji* From watching him zoom his car over an imaginary ramp at least 3 times because apparently if I watch it once, with full attention, it's not enough. I've had to say to my son, "Buddy, I don't know how else you'd like me to watch this or acknowledge you here. I see that you're sipping your milk in a very 'cool and unique' way. Amazing, dude, keep up the good work."
I know this is what toddlers need, loads of attention, recognition, support and encouragement. And I know my daughter needed lots of mommy snuggles, snacks, books read and nose wipes today. Kids are demanding. Period. I love these crazy little souls like no other, but today, I think I could feel a few more wrinkles coming on...
I know, these situations that I mentioned are quite trivial. I'm beyond grateful that we don't have big stressors in our lives. Even though my brain that was firing at 60% by the end of the night, I was able to check in and recognize the gratitude that I have for my kiddos. I will be the first to say that they've taught me more about love, patience, self sacrifice and gratitude than I ever thought possible.
Even this super grateful mommy feels like she's been run over by a truck sometimes. I also feel like there are days where I'm treading water. In no way do I have this motherhood thing figured out. I don't think any of us do. What I'm hopeful for, is that the full hearts, the presence in each moment and the sweet "I love you momma" 's cancel out the wear and tear from stress buildup.
As mom's, our hearts may stop each time our kids miraculously fly past each other, avoiding a mid-air collision, or glimpsing daredevil stunts on their tricycles. We might be at our wits end as we try to figure out the particulars of arranging the blanket, water and stuffed animals to their liking as their preferences have changed, once again. Our voices may be raspy and fatigued by the end of the day from one negotiation after another, trying our best to give our kids a voice while still holding ground as Mom. The explanations of 'why this' and 'why not that' have drained a little bit of life from me today. This motherhood stuff is not for the faint of heart.
Give me some chamomile tea, magnesium, and passion flower, as recommended by Delicious Living. Or maybe just a nice glass of Viognier, that'll do...
If you weren't aware that motherhood would accelerate aging, I'm sorry to break the news to you. Don't be surprised as those mascara-less eyes gaze back at you in the mirror and you notice a new set of lines. Wear it with pride, momma. You're transforming in so many ways and each one can be just as beautiful. I trust that WE ARE RECEIVING MUCH MORE than wrinkles and gray hairs. You are becoming stronger than you could ever imagine. Your heart will continue to hold more love than you thought possible. Your kisses, hugs, lullabies and homemade cookies make any tearful occasion suddenly disappear. Take a moment to really open those sleepy eyes, look down at that little hand holding yours and let your heart give you a mommy re-boot.
