You may know that my husband is an Emergency Medicine physician.  He sees it all and actually loves the thrill of the unknown when he walks into work. He has to make quick, thoughtful decisions, usually under the intense stress of medical emergencies.  He has even confessed that the E.R. can be more relaxing than a full day home with all 4 kids! (Dude, I know. *side glance)

Doc Grif trained at a Level 1 Trauma Center in the Bronx. While it felt like a war-zone at times, he had some of the most powerful experiences of his career there. He learned how to handle the stress of the E.R. while speaking broken Spanish to his patients. He saw life beginning, with an unexpected catch of a baby,  and ending, with the tragic car accident, gang violence or natural causes. He's now at a Level 2 Trauma Center which cares for critically injured patients, so the adventure continues.

Many times, my husband is able to leave his work at work. It's not always easy though. When one orchestrates the proper procedure, with their team working seamlessly to balance science and intuition, all executed in the most efficient timing to save a life, it can be exhilarating! The other part of the practice comes when one witnesses, processes and learns from the crushing reality that no amount of medical training can save every life.

In the end, we're all human.

This reminder of the precious gift of life hits both of us on a regular basis. Now that we have children, it changes everything.  Our perspective, awareness and worry have all expanded.

Since you follow along my social media adventures, you know very well that the days with my children are filled with beautiful chaos.  I love watching them grow more than anything in the entire world. They are amazing little humans that I am constantly in awe of. These love-bugs also make me want to rip my hair out because...

"Yes, you've got to eat A vegetable today, just one, PLEASE!"

"Ahhh! You can NOT jump from the couch, to that tiny-tippy end table, over your brother's head!" 

"Look, buddy, the reason I ask you to turn the water off (for the 100th time) is because fish, turtles, frogs need that water for their home. It's wasteful to just let the water run while you stand there making faces in the mirror. You're cute and all, but STOP WASTING WATER!"

Ok, I got sidetracked. I've calmed down now. Again, we're human. We experience highs and lows, good and bad, the magic and the mundane. 

Through Doctor Daddy's work lens, it has helped us to truly appreciate each day, no matter what it brings. We've also experienced loss in our own lives that shakes us wide awake to the fragility that is life.

The most recent loss was a tough one and hit close to home for my community at Exercising Balance.  My friend, Crystal, was one of the mommies in my Postnatal Yoga DVD. I did my best processing her death through a little writing here. One of the things I've felt from loss is a desire to reach out, share stories, share support.   

These moments instinctively make us hold our babies a little more tightly. They initiate a phone call to that person you've been thinking about but haven't connected with in awhile. They help us to get through the murky parts of parenthood with the reminder that wow, these kids are the best gifts we could have ever received. Maybe they inspire us to do the bold, scary thing we've been putting off and just dive in, because tomorrow is not promised. 

I don't wish for this to be an ominous message. I hope that it helps you to see the beauty amidst the mess. Recognize the abundance that we have around us. Really see and find gratitude for the simple gift of TODAY and sharing it with those closest to you.

I'll always try to remain hopeful and trust in how my journey is meant to unfold. Because most of the stuff is beyond our control. Just like life in the E.R., there's not always a band-aid that can fix it. Sometimes, the random-freak-accident hits and it just doesn't seem fair. So, right now, I'm off to breathe in my babies, unplug from technology and enjoy more moments with them. I have no control over tomorrow, so I'll do my best to make the most out of today.  I wish the same for you, my friend.

Peace, Love and Lots of Presence,
Amy

We met on November 6, 2015. I was thrilled and relieved that you agreed to participate in the filming of my latest yoga DVD.  I wanted to create a postpartum yoga video and you willingly joined my tribe after only corresponding over email through the agency I work with. From the moment you walked through the door, I knew we were supposed to meet.  Your smile was bright and your heart was open to help me create this project. 

Crystal, you were not only a disciplined yogi who could easily follow the flow of the class I mapped out, you were a mother.  You understood what the intention behind this project meant.  You experienced your own postpartum journey with your daughter and felt the heart and soul behind this postnatal yoga dvd. 

I am forever grateful and humbled to have met you.  I know, without a doubt, our paths were meant to cross. When we put out the “call” to cast two mama’s for this shoot, you were meant to be a part of it. Thank you for saying “Yes” and believing in this project as much as I did.  Thank you for all of your words of encouragement and enthusiasm along the way.  I’ll miss chatting with you. I’ll miss the Master Tonics you concoct to help me battle cold and flu season.  I’ll miss seeing your bright, smiling face pop up on my Instagram feed as you share life’s most precious moments with your children. 

Crystal, while it makes my heart ache to think of this loss, I know the life you lived will continue to radiate love.  Your light will continue to shine brightly for each mama that gets the chance to watch this video and practice yoga alongside you. I know, without a doubt, your legacy of kindness, joy, and love will support so many mama’s along their journey. 

Please know your family and friends carry you in our hearts as we watch for little symbols of your colorful spirit. A field of wildflowers, a rainbow captured in the windowpane, the butterfly that just floated into view to say “hello”, the feather on the ground that stops us in our tracks.

These will be reminders for me to pause, breathe and live for today. 

To support Crystal's two children, a GoFundMe page has been set up to contribute to their education. After making a personal contribution, I’ve also decided to donate 50% of the proceeds for the month of June, from all of my yoga DVD’s.

Crystal was a mother who supported and celebrated all people, especially mothers. To continue to support this inspiring mother, please consider donating to benefit her children. 

My friend, I trust that your light still shines. My heart feels heavy, but I breathe deeply with the gift of friendship and hope you’ve given me. 

I love you and miss you. Rest in love and light, my friend.

What’s not so groovy is that we’re bombarded with these messages of “bounce back”. post-baby. We’re fed the expectation of losing any sign that you just grew a human (or two or more) for the past 9 or 10 months. From magazines, to talk shows, and the ads that pop up on social media, we're inundated with the message that if you don't have that coveted toned-tummy, then you're doing something wrong, and they've got the solution for you. Or at least, that's what I'm seeing, because right now, I feel slightly obsessed with this part of my body and my journey.  I'm not gonna lie.  I miss my toned tummy.  These twins did a number on my core.  Whew, baby.

During pregnancy, this sacred space wisely grew along with my growing babies. I celebrated this life-giving area of my body. Even if I don’t feel my best during pregnancy, the baby-bump is miraculous, and I rightfully document it each and every time.

Unfortunately I have had this self-critical eye growing up dancing and trying to perfect what I saw in the mirror. My college, then professional dance career lead me to always make sure I had practiced enough, warmed up properly, then add the right outfit-shoes-hairstyle for the audition, because we need to book that gig. Of course you had to have the skills to back it up, but as any professional dancer knows, a director and choreographer can quickly scan the hundreds of women at an audition and eliminate more than half of the dancers simply based on a particular look they have in mind. #TypeCastingSucks

Every dancer knows there is more beneath the surface of our physical appearance.  While we spend hours upon hours in the studio, working on the same technique, each dancer brings his/her own beautiful light to the movement.  There is grace and grit, a determination that keeps us striving for more. There is a heart and soul that lives and breathes movement and the freedom that comes from expressing ourselves in this art form.  That, my friends is immeasurable. It can’t be seen from a quick scan of the director’s eye who’s looking for that 5’8” brunette to fill the only spot in the line they’re casting that day.

 

Maintaining my dance technique always gave me a strong yet flexible body. I have spent 86% of my life (yes I calculated that because I’m slightly Type-A) looking in the mirror perfecting turns, turnout, balancing strength and fluidity.  I’ve compared my grand jete, syncopated time steps, eye-high kicks, you name it, to others making sure I’ve got them down just right.  It is ingrained in me to attempt to replicate a movement with as much precision as possible.  Attention to detail is kind of in my blood at this point.  

 

 

So here I am, at the messiest, most out-of-body feeling in my life. Motherhood.  

 

 

Where everything feels unorganized, urgent, endless, chaotic, lonely, and most of the time, covered in poop. My put-together pre-mom-life is an old chapter that I’ve written and turned the page on.  I miss it at times, but I know that this new chapter is also filled with a love and excitement I could have never, ever, ever, ever imagined.  It might be messy, but mom-love is the absolute best.  (Mom’s know.) 

 

As I move forward in this new chapter or season, there are times I have to check myself. Like, a smack to the face, check myself.

 

I am not defined by the inches of my waistline, or the size of my jeans, or when I’ve last washed my hair (because I can’t remember). 

 
I know that these trivial numbers I calculate can not even come close to measuring up to who I am as a mom and the heart and soul that this role requires. It's like the resume at the audition, your stats on paper do not hold a candle to what you can bring to the choreography on stage.

In case you haven't noticed we're all uniquely and marvelously different, each of us, even my identical twins.  They are different sizes, with different personalities and different needs. We all know that comparing our body to someone else does no good. It's effort wasted that we should be using in other ways. Frankly, effort I don't have because I'd rather be napping!

 

I'm a mom of 4, with kids ages 7, 4 and those 20 month old twins.  Do you know what that means? I'm tired. I am eager to move my body again.  I want to run, bike, swim, hit my favorite yoga and barre classes.  I'm an active person and love how exercise makes me feel.  But now? It’s not happening just yet. 

 

I saw these images of fit-postpartum mamas doing WAY more than I was right now. My old dancer-mentality starts coming back, and I felt myself comparing and wishing so badly that I could commit to exercise to regain my previous shape.  Then it struck me...

 

The positive intention I carry through all of my pregnancies is the small-but-mighty word, "Trust".

 

I had lost my connection to that powerful intention.  I had to remember to Trust my body during my postpartum healing process as well. 

 

How could I have been so silly to forget this?! Oh right, I'm an exhausted mama of 4.  I'm breastfeeding twins and haven't slept through the night since I got pregnant with them. Each of my children demand my attention and affection from morning to night, through the night... Right, I give myself all the passes now. 

 

In case you've forgotten as well, here's your reminder, "Trust your body, at all times." Especially during postpartum, please continue to trust your body.  Just as your body knew exactly what to do to grow and birth your baby, believe it or not, it still knows what it needs to heal. And that is different for all of us.  It might take 6 months, it might take years...

 

Many of the messages my body sends me is to rest.  Seriously, all the naps... without the guilt! I refuse to apologize for giving my body and brain much needed rest when I'm "on call" 24/7. Maybe this is where you're at in your journey right now too? If so, drop the comparisons and expectations, let your body rest.

 

When the stars align and I begin to catch up on some sleep, mindful exercise (a walk or easy run) has felt good. This postpartum with the twins has been a big lesson in patience as I oh-so-slowly began moving my body again.  I enjoy challenging myself physically, but I've discovered that the opportunity for this is not as consistent as it was in past years. Back to that word Trust.  I'm going to trust that now is not the time to register for that race that I so want to train for. The time will come where I'm functioning with 75% of my mom-brain versus the 25% sleep-deprived version I've got lately. Until then, I'll take this ride one day at a time and celebrate what my body CAN do. Guess what I've learned from that lesson?  It's ok to slow down.  I used to think walking wasn't enough.  Psssshhh *eye-roll.  When I really listen to and trust my body, it reminds me that walking is fantastic for healing post-baby! I knew this as a fitness-pro, but I didn't personally accept it, because I'm a stubborn-ex-dancer who still feels the need to push too far sometimes. I don't want to say that the twin pregnancy wrecked my body, but man-o-man, it felt wrecked for months, if not most of that first year postpartum. I had no other choice than to slow down and I still found lovely benefits from moving my body mindfully with walking and postnatal yoga exercises. 

 

[*note for safety: If you experience spotting or pain in your low back or joints when returning to exercise postpartum, those are signs that you might need be overdoing it.  Trust that it's best (and necessary) to slow down.]

 

As my postpartum journey continues, another piece to the puzzle is more love for that reflection in the mirror. Those years of dancing and critiquing my reflection still result in little whispers of judgment. The voice is getting quieter lately because part of my practice is to look at my belly and simply say "Thank you" when I want to judge what I see. As I shift my perspective from critique and comparison, to gratiude and a little acceptance, I feel lighter, better, happier.

 

I can and will remain committed to practicing gratitude for my body.

 

I place my hands on my soft, round tummy and thank my body for the best gifts I could have every dreamed of.  While I know that a strong, functioning core is important, I know that I’m not defined by the flatness of my abs. I am motivated from a place of self-love, not self-shame, to heal my diastasis recti (separated abdominal muscles).  When I remain consistent with the specific abdominal exercises for healing DR, my low back feels better and my pelvic floor is stronger. That is my incentive to stay at it. But I fall off track more regularly than I can stay on track right now. So I’m gentle with myself and revisit these exercises for a better-functioning-body when I have the time and energy. 

 

If you're still in the process of finding more postpartum-body-love, give this a try. Trust your body at all times. Pause and simply say "Thank you" to your body. It's like planting seeds of love that grow each time you connect to this positive intention. Keep this practice of trust and gratitude growing and it will soon be stronger and more powerful than that self-critical voice.

 

Remember, you are not defined by your body shape. Your love shines beyond that, my friend. More than anything else, you are love. It's a fact.

 

As we work on this love for ourselves, it will help us to celebrate the other women in our lives. We're all just doing the best we can.  Less judgement opens up more space for good vibes to flow. Focusing on the positive always feels better than tearing ourselves, or others, down. 

 

I'll continue to work trusting that I'm right where I'm meant to be. Some days it feels good to move, and other days it feels best to rest.  I'm dropping those expectations and going to listen more to love more. My body is, and always has been, wise. I lovingly remind myself, I am enough. 

 

A quote I read somewhere says, "Want a beach body? Have a body, go to the beach." Done. 

 

You're beautiful.

xoxo, Amy

If you're looking to incorporate yoga exercises to maintain muscle tone, to stretch out tense muscles, and to actually pause and breathe deeply (because breathing is one of the most rejuvenating exercises you can do) check out my Prenatal and Postnatal Yoga DVD's here. These exercise dvd's carry the reminder to trust your body, move mindfully and find gratitude for all that your body CAN do.